The List of BEST EVER!!!

There are so many blogs out there with best of lists. So I’m gonna up the ante and make my BEST OF EVER list. If you cannot fathom this list, then you are too stupid to read it. Why? Because only elegant and sophisticated readers can appreciate something that is so genuine that would make even God cry. Yes, this list is that List that will kill all lists.

1. Best Olympian: We will start here with the Olympics because…well it’s the friggin Olympics!! That would go to…not Michael Phelps but Usain Bolt! The man isn’t from any established country or a crazy medal count country (ahem, US and China). He’s a wide-eyed Olympian who knows how to have a good time and recently got an earful from the IOC chief for showboating.
   
2. Best Movie: The Dark Knight. It’s THE movie of 2008. It’s a comic book movie. Geeks all love it so I’d be crazy not to make it Best Movie. Plus The Joker (I refuse to call him Heath Ledger because Ledger wasn’t in the movie, only the Joker was) just creep me out every moment he was onscreen. The pencil trick set the tone for the rollercoaster ride we call 2.5 hours of pure adrenaline that I’m sure busted the bladders of geeks and movie fans alike.
3. Best Basketball Team: Original Dream Team. The “Redeem Team” is adequate, but they’re all brash and probably too weighed down by their bling necklaces, bling earings, bling shoes, bling grillz, bling shorts, and bling undies. Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Karl Malone…the list goes on are legends. How can talented wannabes ever replace legends?
4. Best Free Email: Gmail hands down. Gmail’s responsive interface is just plain awesome. It may take you about 10 mins to realize what’s going on, but just the way it compacts email threads is genius. That and the fact that it’s got free POP Mail along with a host of other features I’m too lazy to mention here are reason alone this is the best email system that ever lived! Plus it’s STILL IN BETA, so imagine how cool it would be out of beta!!
5. Best Operating System: Windows XP Professional. Because VISTA sucks like a porn star gone hungry. MAC is fine, but I don’t know how to use it because I’m too poor to own it and I can’t really justify having an OS that was probably designed for Jesus so he can use it with his Jesus phone. Oh yeah and Linux, Ubuntu is great to talk about and prove you’re a h4ck0rz, but for the rest of us, there’s no need to spend 30 minutes configuring my sound card to work on it. Also all the free software are available on Windows; like Photoshop and MS-Office…
6. Best Gaming System: SNES. The Genesis gave the SNES a run for its money with Sonic, but once people realize that all they were looking at was a blue blur dashing across the screen they got tired and sat down to use their brains a bit on Secret of Mana, Chorno Trigger. After that they moved onto Street Fighter II Turbo and then washed it down with some classic Super Mario World and of course top off finale with Zelda: Link to the Past.
   
7. Best Facebook Feature: It’s not the ability to develop applications on FB. It’s the fact that I can DELETE stupid Apps that take up all of the real estate on my profile. What the fuck is a Werewolf app? What the hell is a Facebook Gift and why the fuck do I need a I need a SEXY App to already lower my self esteem by comparing me to others of my peers? Do we need all that shit? NO.
   

Periods...yes that kind.

I was sent this email by a coworker...

After reading it, I realized I know nothing about periods or the menstrual cycle. I have had discussions about it before with female friends, but I still don't get it. I know it happens monthly and there's a point there that you can slam her all night like a loose door and be ok ('ok' being she won't get pregnant and you without child support 9 months from then).

Someone needs to draft out a diagram or a Microsoft Project plan with milestones with different Period time lines. Like maybe what step comes first so you can predict her mood and when's that 'safe period' where you can go at it like rabbits. And of course that time when the Red Sea shouldn't be parted...

Read on for the original email:

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the ‘curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call an 'inbred hillbilly with knife skills’.
Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think that happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always....

Best,
[Name Hidden]
Austin , TX